New research from Transport for London has shown that the Tube has the most expensive fares of any metro in the world, and that was before the 5.9 per cent fare rise that kicked in recently. Also it was reported that Tube and bus fares will probably go up by an average of 4 per cent next year.

Reports in the press claim that the Met is ‘planning to spend £440,000 on mounting certificates and picture frames’ to maintain morale by recognising officers’ ‘bravery in the line of duty, innovative instigations, long service, and for those retiring’. Very worthy I’m sure, but in my day a poster from Athena of a tennis player scratching her bum only cost 50p. Mind you her outfit later sold for £15,000.

I didn’t know whether to praise my local council or ask of it just why are they spending money on this and not keeping libraries open. A Royal Charter of 1247 (not a typo) could kibosh the plans to move Smithfield and Billingsgate markets to Dagenham Dock because it forbids a market from being set up “within a day’s sheep drive” of the existing Romford Market. In case you need reminding, a day’s sheep drive is the equivalent of the (slightly satanic) 6.66 miles, and The City of London’s proposed new site in Dagenham Dock is about four miles away from Romford market. So if you’re into what you get by giving ‘a drink’ to a medieval king, in this case, King Henry III, here it is

ULEZ’s expansion won’t have a major impact on the London Underground, but it will on other modes of transport – notably the most common mode of public transport in Outer London – buses. Transport for London has stated that “one million extra kilometres” of buses will come to the rescue of anyone wishing to avoid the £12.50 a day charge. Last year London’s bus network travelled 473m km. So a 1m km increase is 0.21 per cent. The Mayor claiming this will mitigate ULEZ concerns for outer London given this limited scope is contemptuous.

London has been awarded the dubious title of the ‘world’s slowest city’, and came runner up in the ‘most expensive city to drive in’ competition. According to TomTom, it took an average of 36 minutes to drive 10km in the centre of London last year, putting us way ahead of second place city, Bengaluru in India, where it takes just over 29 minutes. We’re also only second to Hong Kong when it comes to the ‘price of petrol, diesel and charging an electric vehicle’.